Wanna write right meow

Shocker - I can't sleep. Even the warm candle light and amazingly comfy bed isn't doing the trick. So, I'll right this wrong with a write.

Since we last spoke, I've had so much happen! Not one, not two, not even three, but SIX Americans came to visit me! Yes, SIX!!! Brent, Sheri, Art, Tiet, Geoff and Heidy all blessed me and jolly old England with their presence last week. Although I say this a lot and you're probably starting to think that I am as easy to make happy as a retard at Disneyland, we had the best time ever! We threw an American themed party inspired by our lives in the US, frat parties and the South Park movie Team America. It was amazing, I dressed up like The Statue of Liberty, but...and some will kill me for saying this, but I think we can do better. Granted we got very tipsy during the day, took too many keg stands the night before, didn't get home until 5am after dancing all night at Fabric...we still could have done better. I'm not dwelling on it, but I am eager to make it better fast! I honestly think that it was fate because Brent, Sheri and Geoff all got delayed and instead of being with us they got to spend a lovely night plotting the deaths of most of United Airlines' staff and their families! Brent even submitted a news request to CNN! Hahaha! CNN didn't show up to SFO and the other half of my American crew didn't show up to the party. :( This is not to say that there weren't highlights though. Here's my top ten:

10. Holli telling our amazingly stupid...ahem, I mean Polish "building manager" that we didn't need permission to throw the party b/c "We're American and we want to have an American themed party!" He didn't like that too much and walked away mid sentence, but to her credit, it did work when I forgot my ID at Fabric the night before. THANK GOD the bouncer lived in SF for fifteen plus years! I didn't want anyone to have to break out the knee pads. Holy shit - I'm so kidding! Sorry mama.

9. Walking into our "Leisure Center" (that name gives me the giggles) before the party to find Heidy in red hot pants, blue suede knee high boots and a giant felt American flag top hat hittin' the elliptical hard with the best serious face I've ever seen!

8. Falling into the bushes by the pool b/c I didn't feel like letting there be an extra 30 seconds between me and my next drink.

7. Holli telling a skank troll in our building that she didn't need her purse b/c "Tramps don't carry purses." To be fair, this girl was beyond on the prowl albeit blacked out, openly rejected the idea of people being taken and offered gang bangs in the sauna. There is no doubt she would have been deemed a chum bucket if Boris was anywhere within 15 yards of her. The man has a way with words and when he sees it, he calls it.

6. Trading clothes with Rossipoo and seeing how glorious my dress looked with chest hair, dress socks and no heels. He tried to Cinderella his way into my gold pumps, but that step sister didn't fit either! ;)

5. Watching a very drunk and very wet man go from lovin' the hot tub in his pink man panties, to screaming at me from the side of the pool to get him a towel (I could hear him perfectly - I just loved seeing him get mad and shake his long locks around) to passing out on the couch in our lobby. I think we should date, don't you?

4. Asking Keith, a fellow American living in London, what it felt like to be "schooled by a statue" when I kicked his ass for the umteenth time in flip cup.

3. Having Jose Cuervo poured down my throat by a bunch of break dancing masters/PhD science geeks dressed like Mexicans.

2. Discovering the God of Mem.

and last...but not least...

1. Having an amazing snuggle/spoonfest heart-to-heart at 5:30am with my bed mates Hols and Haywood that led me down a path of about a million questions about love, life, good people, bad people, cheaters, losers, faith, joy, sunshine and more love to...get ready for this...me asking "seriously, why are there so many seagulls here?" Hahahahahaaa! I did and I still wonder.

Right, so I'm sorry, but it's nearly 3am now sooooo...good god that's one hell of a London influenced sentence...let's keep this going...and I'm knackered so I'm signing off for Bedfordshire. I reckon I might even have a duvet day tomorrow! Yes, they talk like that and you have to admit that it's kinda cute. Anyway, thanks for being there. Never forget that I love you - meow and forever!

Kim Jong Il says "Arec Barrwin" and I think it's fecking hilarious,

Hans Brix

Wait, that's only nine...MEOW!

Poop, Midgets and Adam’s Apples: B Brix Does Thailand

Where do I start? Seriously, where? After Portugal, I would have said “holy epiphany!” After Oktoberfest, I would have said “I can’t stop giggling and I kinda love it!” So, why am I at a loss? Probably for the same reason it’s taken me so long to write about it. In short, Thailand rocked my world – but not in the conventional “B Brix went crazy, loved everything and feels crazy blessed” sort of way. Oh no, it wasn’t like that at all. Let me try to explain this as a two part affair – let’s just call them The Trip and The Trip Out. Let’s do this!

The Trip

One thing that I have found myself consistently saying when people ask me “How in the heck was Thailand?” is “So wonderful! You have to go! They shoot darts out of their vaginas!” Hmm…why? Umm, because it’s true and unless you ladies out there have some hidden talents that you have yet to share with me, that’s frickin’ amazing! Ahh yes, but turns out, Thailand has much more to offer than fifty-something Thai grandmas workin’ the late shift at a creepy ping pong show (although it should be noted that they also write welcome messages, shoot bananas, drink Coke, smoke cigarettes, hold 100-yard strands of flowers and of course, shoot, bounce and catch ping pong balls out of their, ahem, babymakers) – Alas, Thailand is also one of the most relaxing and beautiful places I have ever been to. Although, it didn’t quite start that way.

On the way there, I had a delicious nine hour layover in Singapore. Of course, I naively believed that I could get on an earlier flight and of course, I didn’t, so instead of leaving the airport to see a bit of Singapore, I wandered, watched Entourage, got tipsy at 7am, said a little prayer for anything other than eating to briefly maim my boredom and just like that - there she was! The first of many women I would encounter throughout the trip that reminded me of my grandma Shirley – albeit brown, barely able to speak English and void of a blonde afro and huge knockers. She gave me a wink and the next thing I knew I was on a table getting the first of about a hundred rub downs (seriously, why call them a massage if you can call them rub downs? Go ahead, ask yourself – why? Told you so!) Now, I know this might be sacrilege and I might get banned from Easter for revealing this Holy Grail about the women in my family, but pretty much any sort of petting can do wonders. I know it sounds bad, but let’s face it, the truth hurts. Want some money? Brush my hair. Want my car? Tickle my back. Want all of my bank pins, my eTrade account login, my retirement? Give me a head massage! Who else is like this, you ask? My mama, her evil twin, Bridgey and lovely Lou (aka Lauren). Honestly, how many 14yr olds do you know got to take their mom’s cars out for joyrides? I did. How many 10yr olds earned 20/hr in 1990? I did. So, if you couple this fact with my exhaustion from flying (b/c who wants to sleep on the plane when you can watch movies and eat and drink non-stop, right?) and I was the perfect candidate for any form of criminal act. I even laughed a few times mid rub down thinking of this fact – and still didn’t care! I would have given her anything for an extra five mins!

When I finally arrived in Bangkok, I was borderline retarded. I know this b/c it took me about 45 mins to read three pages of my Super Freakonomics book (amazing if you have not read it yet and if you have not read Freakonomics, defo start there!), but I made it – only to discover the best part about Bangkok is watching it in the distance as you peace the f out of there. No, I kid. I kid. Sorta. It smells like poop - seriously, drop your kids off at the pool, walk around for a bit, maybe great drunk or hit your head so you forget that you did the nasty in there and walk back in – that feeling of disgust and anger is something Bangkok knows well. Let’s just call it "Eww de Bangkok" and let’s just say thank the little baby Jesus we weren’t there when it was hotter or I probably would have been begging to eat all of the bugs they sell on the street so I could yack just to smell something different. That’s disgusting and I mean every word of it! Anyway, I digress. After a hilarious night of midget jokes and the usual random banter, my Irish good luck charm and I headed out to meet up with the rest of the punks we were travelling with. Randi, Paul and Brent had been in Bangkok for four days already, managed to stay in four separate hotels for various hilarious reasons, my favorite being as RP put it “Britney, there was garbage everywhere, it smelled and there were babies laying on the ground!” Hahaha! Needless-to-say, they were excited to move on. The lovely couple, Ms. Jaime and Mr. T Rex Ramos (aka Tony) had been there only one night and the poo smell hadn’t phased them too much yet, but they were ready to move on as well, so we packed up and headed out to Kanchanaburi to save poor Thai children from famine, rabid dogs and deadly locusts. Ahhahahaha! That would have been amazing – yet not quite vacation! Wow – I’m mean. Anyway, we really went to relax in bungalows, hike and swim in waterfalls and eat more Thai food than most would consider normal. I have to believe that that too helped humanity in some way. Is that wrong? If so, don’t tell me – I like to live in ignorant bliss. ;)

Before we move on I have a confession – there is much about the trip that I was sworn to secrecy over, so to the grave I shall take it. For the rest, I’ll stick to highlights! So, what was the highlight of Kanchanaburi? Hands-down it was filming Jaime and Randi doing an episode of MTV Cribs! Here’s the link to the first half, the other half is in there too. It’s soooo good and it sums up why l love these ladies so much! Apologies for the laughter – the camera woman had a MAJOR case of the giggles! ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYiiCfMzFns
After a couple days of fun and SEVERAL rub downs, we went back to Bangkok for the night. After dinner in mall where they blasted hip hop that we of course danced to, we all went to get massages…again! It was there that I realized I had taken my ninja status to a whole new level. I, unlike the rest of my compatriots, could spot a tranny/sheman/sausage packer/whatever you want to call them better than the rest. My trick – basic anatomy: bitches don’t have Adam’s Apples! Although some pay to have them shaved down (I just threw up in my mouth a little), most don’t want to go that route, so they cover it with their hair. To be fair to my friends, especially the boys that were checking them out like they saw Tila Tequila all up in their business – these shemen were HOT! I mean wanna touch their boobies, ask who does their hair, get the same shoes as them HOT! It was shocking and I loved it! Even in bikinis you couldn’t tell (minus the lump in their throats) and believe me, I stared hard. Yeah, I’m not too proud to tell you that I stared at crotches – I honestly do it all the time! I even did it yesterday on the train and got caught! Seriously, men of Britain – hear me now! If you are going to buy a suit that is too small for you, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not open your legs wide to a crowd on a train when you’re sportin’ moose knuckles. It’s just wrong and for people like me, it’s not only hard not stare, I want to touch them and that kinda makes me want to cry. You don’t want to see a girl cry, do you? So stop it! My favorite part of that particular rub down session was the midget that massaged Paul that was not only drunk and potentially on drugs, but was sportin’ some sweet ass MC Hammer pants and literally could not touch anything good on poor Paulie. He looked so sad and we all made fun of him! HELL, the midget even made fun of him! She could not get over how tall he is – in all fairness he’s 6’5”, which is HUGE in Thailand, but her drunk retardation was beyond redick! She was laughing hysterically, grabbing his arms and making monkey noises, and dancing all around him. I almost peed my pants! Hence, we gave our favorite LG buddy a new name – Midget!

The next day we flew to Koh Panagan for the Half Moon Party and that’s where we took it up a notch! We stayed in beach front villas, went to a few beaches and islands that were crazy pretty, got WAY too many massages, shopped, ate too much, had a mini rave in a Taxi and did my favorite thing yet – DISCLAIMER: The next two sentences will be lies to appease my mother. I’ll tell you the truth later. She’ll know they’re lies, has seen my pics, but it will make her happy anyway! We rented scooters, BUT, I not only didn’t drive one, but when forced by my evil friends to get on one of those death machines, made sure that I was wrapped in bubble wrap, a bullet proof vest, knee pads, shin guards, football pads, three helmets and a chainmail suit of armor. I was also trailed by the Thai police, the fire department , Air Force One and 17 ambulances (which coincidentally is a word my mother cannot say – she says am-bli-ence. It’s actually really cute!). Anyway, you just never know people – SAFETY FIRST!!! The truth – I drove them everywhere, went way too fast, almost got hit by several cars, never wore my helmet and didn’t feel bad for one min. Hey, it would be annoying for my friends who would have to deal with it, but I don’t think I would really hate it if I died having the best time ever in a tropical paradise! Sorry – I know, I have an almost too intimate relationship with death – what the f ever! The only sad thing, that really isn’t that sad other than the fact that I don’t feel bad is that I killed huge ass frog on the way home from the Half Moon Party. Sorry Kermit. The party was amazing though, there were more Euros than Thai peeps and the only thing that we can think would be better is the Full Moon Party which is on the beach instead of in the Jungle and that’s why we’re going next New Years! You are all invited! Promise.

We then went to Koh Samui, stayed in an amazing hotel, lounged by the infinity pool and then got VERY sad because our beautiful friend Randi Lee had to go home. The worst part was she had no reason to go, but China Air wouldn’t let her change her flight! Can I get a boycott up in here?! How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t mess with my friends – I go ape shit and say the most offensive things! After crying over the loss of RP, we got on a series of buses and boats to go to Krabi, stayed in a shit shack of a hotel and then got onto a boat to the first piece of land I have ever wanted to marry – Koh Phi Phi! Oh, I still get a warm and slightly inappropriate feeling when I think about that island. I will be back and I will love you like you’ve never been loved before! I might get sand in my you know what, but I won’t care b/c it’s your sand. Wow, I think I just creeped myself out! Not the first time and defo not the last time. It is what it is. So, what is that is so amazing about this island? Hmm…tough call b/c it’s really everything. The beaches are so white and so clean. The water is so blue and so warm. The food is soooo good and the beer is even better, but I’d have to say it’s the people. There are loads of Aussies and Brits and a few Americans, but the native Thai people are some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered. They make you feel relaxed and loved. Maybe it was just me and the constant rub downs, but I think the peeps that were with me would agree. You just get this overwhelming sense of calm and peace when you’re there – that everything is going to be alright – and that was when it really hit me – I was tripping out! Not from the magic mushroom shakes and not from a parasite or anything else you could buy or that could make its way into your mojo, but something much deeper. I’m pretty sure it was my grandma. Annnnnd, time to talk about The Trip Out!

The Trip Out

Even after being back for two months, I still have a hard time putting into words what I was feeling in Thailand and where it's taken me. So, in an effort to embrace blogging in its fullest free form, I’m just going to fire away and hope you keep up. At first, I was just calm, but could feel that something was brewing. Then I got quiet. So much so that my friends kept asking me if I was upset and at times just said “what’s up your ass!” In all fairness, these are some of my closest friends who know me very well, so when I am not smiling, laughing, drinking or dancing around, it really leaves room to worry. I thought I might be sick, that I might just be sad over a few realizations I had recently had, but what I know now is that it was a massive gut feeling that something really big was happening. It wasn’t a terrible feeling and not a good feeling either, but more of a pit in my stomach. It’s the same exact feeling I had when I was fourteen and told my mom that she needed to come down off the elliptical at the gym to see a cute man on the tennis court and when she said no b/c she “had a boyfriend who she was going to marry,” I impatiently and rather loudly said “but mom, it’s the man that you’re gonna marry!” My eyes bugged out of my head. I had no idea who that man was and I honestly HATED the idea of my mom remarrying, but I just knew. As the words were coming out of my mouth, I hated hearing them , but a pit in my stomach, my gut, told me it was right, and I just got calm – confused, but calm. As some of you know, it was beloved stepdad John, they’re beyond happily married, are soul mates if you ask me and we have my amazing brother Taylor as a result of their union. So, when this feeling brewed up again, I wanted to listen, but was also very afraid. Eager to figure out what it was, I just kept trying to relax and just listen to myself, listen to my gut and not over think things – Deepak Chopra calls it “The Law of the Least Effort” – essentially nature will take its course, what is best is not hard to achieve, it just is and it’s up to you to either accept it and work with it or resist it, try to control it and ultimately make your life harder by literally going against nature. After a few days and feeling completely unlike myself, I got impatient, I cried, I wrote, I stared at walls – nothing seemed to soothe me. It wasn’t until I was about to leave that I realized what it was. I kept seeing women that looked so much like my grandma it was crazy and it made me feel so good at the same time. You’d think that seeing a ton of Thai women resembling her would mean I see her everywhere – well no, I never see her in fact. So, I asked her to please tell me what was going on and I suddenly felt an extreme love, a scary love, an uncommon love – something I have never felt before. It was like the best hug ever, the spark in someone’s eye and the connection you have with someone on a deep spiritual and chemical level all wrapped into one. She was telling me that lots of things are going to happen to lots of people that are close to me in the near future and these things will change their lives dramatically. Some will be sad, some will be amazing, but ultimately it’s going to be all for the good and I need to not only remember that, believe that and love that, but I need to be there to support them. A few days prior I had learned about a friend being pregnant and getting married. I was so out of whack that I burst into tears and had no idea what to think. I wanted to protect her. I wanted her to feel insanely loved. I wanted her to have everything that she’s ever wanted. The truth is, she is all of those things and couldn’t be happier! I needed to remember to practice what I preach – everything happens not only for a reason, but for the RIGHT reason. When I got home, I was admittedly a bit sad, mostly on my own account, but more than anything, I was embarrassed and annoyed with myself b/c life’s too short to be sad and if I really believed that everything happens for the right reason, then I need to own it and just have faith that if you ask, it will be given. Since then, I’ve had an interesting few months, but an excellent few months. Grandma was right. I have a few close firends that have found their true loves and a few that have experienced love lost - although I believe it's love evolving - moving onto what's really meant for them. I have others that are still looking, but are close, very close. Me? Overall, I’m happy. I feel more in love with life than ever and know that everything really is going to be ok. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and everything that happens only makes you stronger, but you have to trust it - live it. Sometimes it’s harder to see that than others, and sometimes it just smacks you in the face, but for now, I just remind myself that it’s always darkest before dawn and that it really does work if you work it! I love each and every one of you very much and hope you are constantly finding yourself smiling, feeling loved, appreciating life and doing whatever it is that makes you happy!

As Ghandi said, Be the change you wish to see in the world and as Aunt Kathy said, always choose love,

Britney "I'm busty like my Grandma Shirley" Brix